Gracie Allen’s Classic Recipe for Roast Beef

Gracie Allen’s Classic Recipe for Roast  Beef

1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of  beef

Take the two roasts and put them in the  oven.
When the little one burns, the  big one is done.

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Why Men have Big ToolBoxes

-RK


Blonde Motorist

A blonde woman motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to her car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Yes,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me, thanks. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to go to the San Diego Zoo. They’re already stressed a bit, so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car, carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was rolling through the heart of San Diego when he suddenly hit his brakes in disbelief. There was the blonde, walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a growing crowd. He pulled over and ran across the street to the blonde. “What the heck are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde,” but we had money left over—so now we’re going to Sea World.”

-DvS

they walk among us

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64
charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave it back to her andtold her that she had made a mistake in
MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and
informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and
returned the money again. I gave her the money back again…same
scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually
happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane.

–They Walk Amongst Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon fora Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said “buy one-get one free.” “They’re already buy-one-get-one-free”, she said, “so I guess they’re both free” She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

–They Walk Amongst Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking! down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and said, “Where?”

–They Walk Amongst Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want
the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun
rise in the north?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in
the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said,
“Oh I don’t keep up with that stuff.”

–They Walk Amongst Us!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One
day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call
center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24
hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or
Pacific time?! ” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh,
Pacific.”

–They Walk Amongst Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk of her car.

— They Walk Amongst Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases
were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier >multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

— They Walk Among Us!

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me,
has your plane >arrived yet?”

— They Walk Amongst Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a
small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him
if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it
for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces;
I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

— Yep, They Walk Amongst Us!

They walk among us and voted for Change!

-thanx, DvS

Blonde’s Year in Review

2009 Blonde’s Diary – another frustrating year…

January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels… “duh”… bottles won’t fit in a typewriter.

March – Got excited… finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months… box said “2-4 years!”

April – Trapped on escalator for hours… power went out.

May – Tried to make Kool-Aid… 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.

June – Tried to go water skiing… couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July – Lost breast-stroke swimming competition… learned later, other swimmers cheated – they used their arms.

August – Got locked out of car in rainstorm… car swamped, because top was down.

September – Lost a TV quiz show. The capital of California is “C”… isn’t it?

October – Hate M&M’s… they are so hard to peel.

November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days… instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108.

December – Couldn’t call 911… “duh”… there’s no “eleven” button on the phone.

Diary of A Blonde’s Cookbook

MONDAY: It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY: Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

don’t forget your blonde friends

She was Soooooooo Blonde . .

  • She thought a quarterback was a refund.
  • She thought General Motors was in the army.
  • She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
  • She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
  • At the bottom of an application where it says “Sign here:” she wrote “Sagittarius.”
  • She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  • She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
  • Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”
  • She tripped over a cordless phone.
  • She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate.”
  • She told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”
  • She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
  • She studied for a blood test.
  • She sold the car for gas money.
  • When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
  • When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.
  • When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
  • She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
  • She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
  • She had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which she thought stood for “This Goes In Front.”
And finally……….
  • She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

– from email archive