New Federal Golf Rules

RK sent this. These new rules will be in effect August 15.

 

 

 

President BHO has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective in August 2011. This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 5000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak.

Here are a few of the changes. Golfers with handicaps:
– below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
– between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
– above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.

The term “gimmie” will be changed to “entitlement”and will be used as follows:

– handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
– handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
– handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term “net score” will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.

This is intended to “re-distribute” the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only “net score” against every other player’s gross score. These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.

 Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice,, and responsibility. This is the “Right thing to do.” This way, everyone will pay “their fair share”

Maxine’s remedy

– from RK

If you don’t like the election results, Maxine has the solution…

 

 

the Promised Land

this has made a few rounds already, but still made me smile when RK sent it, again.

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”

Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced), Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”

Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Obamacare, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called a Suicide Hotline.
I had to press 1 for English, and was connected to a call center inPakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and
asked if I could drive a truck.

Why There Are No Italian Muslims

from JS

Barack’s BS Bingo

I used to avoid listening to his speeches. Now, I look forward to the next one!
Here’s something to help make Obama’s speeches almost tolerable. Just print out this page, distribute it to friends, and listen……

Rules for Bullshit Bingo:

1. Before Barrack Obama’s next televised speech, print “Barack’s Bullshit Bingo” for yourself and whoever else wants to play.

2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!”


Testimonials from past satisfied “Barack’s BS Bingo” players:

“I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won.” – Jack W., Boston

“My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically.” – David D., Florida

“What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win.” – Bill R., New York City

“The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the 5th box.” – Ben G., Denver

REMEMBER: no incumbents in 2010 (unless she’s the one who votes for US!)

from RK



History 101

For those that don’t know about history… Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

Liberals
Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

And there you have it!

Let your next action reveal your true self 🙂

-from ES

Why our country is in trouble!

Let’s hope this isn’t really true!

Why our country is in trouble or why travel agents are stressed out.
A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our
country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Cape town. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information,
then she interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid,
but Cape town is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look stupid, I
calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape town is in Africa.”
Her response – click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since
Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me, I
looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!” (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, “Is it possible to see
England from Canada?” I said, “No.” She said, “But they look so close on the
map.” (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car
in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour
layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I
heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between
gates to save time.” (Ahhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at

8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane
went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said,
“No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with
the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight. I
think that’s very rude!” After putting her on hold for a minute (I was
laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT –
Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.

8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to
California, and then take the train to Hawaii?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, “How do I
know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have
numbers on them.”

10. A lady Senator called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if she
meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he
needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been
to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”
Knowledge – priceless!)

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, “I want to go
from Chicago to Rhino, New York.” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I
said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you
have?” replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, “I’m
sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find
a Rhino anywhere.” The lady retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone
knows where it is. Check your map!” So I scoured a map of the state of New York
and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” The reply? “Whatever!
I knew it was a big animal.”

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!

-thanks, DvS!

police work & sea story

Compassionate Police Work

The Corpus Christi , Texas Police Department reports finding a man’s body in the Nueces River nearLabonte Park. The dead man’s name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings , a red garter belt , a pink g-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick and an ” Obama for President in 2008″ t-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.


Old Sea Story

There’s an old sea story in the Navy about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The Chief responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.” He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!”

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Someone may come along and promise “Change”, but don’t count on things smelling any better.

YES, I’M A BAD AMERICAN

by George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary, be it Democratic or Republican!

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your babied rear end through 4 years plus of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.

I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut the hell up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry rearend if you’re running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull you over if you’re breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

-from DvS

Middle East Mystery 72 Virgins

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let’s see now:

No Jesus.
No WalMart.
No television.
No cheerleaders.
No baseball.
No football.
No basketball.
No hockey.
No golf.
No tailgate parties.
No Home Depot.
No pork BBQ.
No hot dogs.
No burgers.
No lobster.
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.
No gumbo.
No jambalaya.
More than one wife. (HELLO, ARE YOU CRAZY?)
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he’s sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
No chocolate chip cookies.
No Girl Scout cookies.
No Christmas.
You can’t shave.
Your wives can’t shave.
You can’t shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really. IS THERE ANY MYSTERY HERE?

counted by hepsy

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