the Promised Land

this has made a few rounds already, but still made me smile when RK sent it, again.

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”

Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced), Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”

Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Obamacare, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called a Suicide Hotline.
I had to press 1 for English, and was connected to a call center inPakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and
asked if I could drive a truck.

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a Christian Family’s home one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; when he heard, a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, ‘Jesus is watching you.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, ‘Jesus is watching you.’
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?’ He whispered to the parrot.
‘Yep,’ the parrot squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? And what is your name?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed.
‘What kind of family would name a bird Moses?’
‘ The same kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

-from CAR