New Federal Golf Rules

RK sent this. These new rules will be in effect August 15.

 

 

 

President BHO has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective in August 2011. This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 5000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak.

Here are a few of the changes. Golfers with handicaps:
– below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
– between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
– above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.

The term “gimmie” will be changed to “entitlement”and will be used as follows:

– handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
– handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
– handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term “net score” will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.

This is intended to “re-distribute” the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only “net score” against every other player’s gross score. These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.

 Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice,, and responsibility. This is the “Right thing to do.” This way, everyone will pay “their fair share”
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Dr. Seuss’s “Take” On Obama

JS sent this 😉

I do not like this Uncle Sam,

I do not like his health care scam.

I do not like these dirty crooks,

or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals,

I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like this speaker Nan ,

I do not like this ‘YES WE CAN’.

I do not like this spending spree,

I’m smart, I know that nothing’s free;

I do not like your smug replies,

When I complain about your lies.

I do not like this kind of hope.

I do not like it. Nope, nope, nope!

Barack’s BS Bingo

I used to avoid listening to his speeches. Now, I look forward to the next one!
Here’s something to help make Obama’s speeches almost tolerable. Just print out this page, distribute it to friends, and listen……

Rules for Bullshit Bingo:

1. Before Barrack Obama’s next televised speech, print “Barack’s Bullshit Bingo” for yourself and whoever else wants to play.

2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!”


Testimonials from past satisfied “Barack’s BS Bingo” players:

“I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won.” – Jack W., Boston

“My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically.” – David D., Florida

“What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win.” – Bill R., New York City

“The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the 5th box.” – Ben G., Denver

REMEMBER: no incumbents in 2010 (unless she’s the one who votes for US!)

from RK



police work & sea story

Compassionate Police Work

The Corpus Christi , Texas Police Department reports finding a man’s body in the Nueces River nearLabonte Park. The dead man’s name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings , a red garter belt , a pink g-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick and an ” Obama for President in 2008″ t-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.


Old Sea Story

There’s an old sea story in the Navy about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The Chief responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.” He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!”

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Someone may come along and promise “Change”, but don’t count on things smelling any better.